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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  May 24, 2013 1:00am-1:36am PDT

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now, before we end the show, in case you haven't noticed, i'm getting pretty famous. in fact, i've been told that i'm an ascending b-. yeah. what are you? [laughter] and the movie offers are coming in like wildfire, but i'm not gonna say yes to just any project. that's why i had you the fans, help me write a screenplay in a new segment called "twitten by" clever and cute! [laughter] i started by sending out a single tweet and you guys took over. "the year is 2011. daniel wakes up. and he wakes up next to a sweaty but satisfied antonio banderas, his anus was aflame with the pain of a forgotten night. later that day he sees a bunch of dead hookers. really, just a crazy amount of dead hookers. [laughter] one of them was all filled with babies. and she had herpes. [laughter] then his mother reveals to him that she is pregnant.
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and he is the father. tosh's father is upset, yet not surprised. [laughter] so he masturbates with his own tears, and screamed "i just bought tickets for your tour when it goes to indiana! i love you :) i'm so excited!" "he wanted to get out of town in time to catch the sale at the perry ellis outlet mall but he found himself surrounded by al-qaeda. he was outnumbered but still managed to pleasure each man accordingly. [laughter] no one was unsatisfied! yes, i had to do gay stuff in prison, but that was for survival. survival! boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner. he dies. end of movie." [laughter] that one was a real tear-jerker. see you next week. good night. [cheers & applause]
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captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause). >> jon: hey, everybody! welcome to "the daily show," my name is jon stewart! we have a good one for you tonight. our guest tonight, the great morgan freeman is going to be joining us! but first -- (cheers and applause) but first, nonfictional president barack obama gave a major address on counterterrorism policy this afternoon at washington's national defense university. actual safety school. (laughter) all right. in the speech president obama questioned how our overzealous prosecution of the war on terror and the prison at guantanamo bay may be affecting our souls.
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>> look at the current situation where we are force feeding detainees who are being held on a hunger strike. is this who we are? is that something our founders foresaw? >> jon: oh, i don't know. (laughter) i actually think on a scale of "founders foresaw" prisoner mistreatment would take a backseat to "black president." (laughter) i think the first thing they would say is "who's that guy?" and "will he get me a sandwich?" (laughter) but it is a good point, how a nation and its leaders react to threats both external and internal says a great deal about that administration's values and ideals. and while it's hard to judge an administration by the actions it says it wants to take but can't, perhaps we can learn something about the administration from the actions it says it won't take but does as we see in our
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new segment "priorities u.s.a." (laughter) in the administration's search for law and order -- (laughter). -- i'm not talking about the show, i'm just talking about -- this administration has been very clear about its values. >> a free press is also essential for our democracy. journalists should not be at legal risk for doing their jobs. >> the way to make government responsible is to hold it accountable. >> i want everybody treated fairfully this country. transparency and the rule of law will be the touchstones of this presidency. >> jon: what the -- he didn't even say it! all right, well, those are excellent values. let's see how those values have been expressed. >> the obama administration has prosecuted more government officials for alleged leaks than any other administration before it. >> jon: he did believe in freedom of the peres. just not freedom of speech for people who might talk to the press. and about that freedom of the
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press -- >> the obama administration was snooping on journalists. >> the feds have tracked more than 20 phone lines used by the associated press. >> fox news chief washington correspondent james rosen, the f.b.i. naming him a criminal coconspirator in the leak. >> agents monitored rosen's movement movements in and out of the state department, they searched his personal e-mails and combed through his cell phone records. >> jon: but that's just them exhibiting the value of fairness! (laughter) if you're going to go after whistle-blowers, you also got to go after those who have had their whistles blown! (laughter) that is not how i wanted to say that. but you know what? i'm sorry, national security is important and i'm sure the full court peres on this rosen character, this rosen reporter was in the service of protecting some pretty pretty sensitive information. >> fox news reporters james
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rosen vowed wednesday night to protect his source for a scoop he got back in 2009 reporting then north korea would respond to sanctions with more nuclear tests. (laughter) >> that's it? that's the leak they needed to quash? north korea to answer sanctions with more nuclear tests? north korea answers everything with more nuclear tests! that's -- they have a nuclear test-based economy! (laughter) what other big james rosen scoops are threatening national security? turkey the country different from turkey the bird! (laughter) babies make terrible sous chefs! jon stewart is jewish! (laughter) national security overreach? what other groups have the feds prioritized for scrutiny? >> computer hacker who broke into online accounts of christina aguilera sentence
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monday to ten years in prison. >> medical marijuana. federal prosecutors are right now cracking down on legal dispensaries. >> a second man accused of hacking at&t servers and stealing data now facing conspiracy and identity theft charges. >> the f.b.i. going after hackers. more than 40 search warrants on suspectsuspects who may have had into mastercard, visa, and paypal. >> justice department and prosecutors say a hacker used the info sabotage a story on the "l.a. times" web site. he could get up to 25 years in prison. >> jon: what the (bleep)? (laughter) so that's what the d.o.j. is up to. they're going after pot heads and hackers. basically if you could be played in the movie by kevin smith -- (laughter). -- the feds would like a word with you. (laughter) all right. so at this point -- (applause). at this point administration priorities seem to be tilted towards unusually harsh punishments for individuals
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whose crimes don't really seem to merit them. have they had anything to offer on slightly larger fish? >> let me make it very clear that there is no bank, there's no institution, there's no individual who cannot be investigated and prosecuted by the united states department of justice. >> jon: yes! the institutions that nearly broke the world. how's that bank prosecution going, by the way? >> more than four years since the financial crisis of 2008, there have been no arrests of think senior wall street executives. >> jon: no arrests. you see how sad that made the voiceover guy? (laughter) (as voiceover guy) there have been no arrests as anybody! why not? why haven't you arrested those guys? none of them bought pot? and if they didn't buy pot that's only because they blew all their money on cocaine! (laughter) why haven't you gone after them? what are they too big to jail? >> let me be very, very, very
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clear: banks are not too big to jail if we find a bank or a financial institution that has done something wrong, if we can prove it beyond a reasonable doubt, those cases will be brought. >> jon: beautiful. and that's why when holder's department of justice produced a 30-page document saying explicitly that it could prove beyond a reasonable doubt that h.s.b.c. violated federal money laws by failing to monitor over $220 trillion in wire transfers it moved aggressively to -- strike a deal allowing them pay a fine equal to one month's profits. scared straight! (laughter) so that's what we figured out to do with the department of justice, tax fraud. hay justice department, what outside experts told you about how much damage prosecuting these big banks would do. >> the justice department has not received any material
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information from outside experts when making prosecutorial decisions in cases involving large financial institutions. >> first of all -- (laughter). (cheers and applause) -- i am sorry that you had to leave your prom to come to do this. (laughter) but second of all, so they didn't even get information about what two big to jail even means? too big to jail was really too hard to know? i find it hard to believe that not one person went to prison for their role in the whole financial crisis. isn't there anybody? just one guy? >> charlie engel went to prison for his role in the financial crisis. >> jon: what is with the (bleep)ing bow tie? (laughter) i mean, thank you. who is charlie engel? what is he some wall street
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wheeler dealer big-time banker? >> he didn't work here on wall street. he was not a big-time banker. he was convicted of doing something hundreds of thousands of other americans likely did during the housing boom: he exaggerated his income on his mortgage applications. >> jon: priorities u.s.a. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: welcome back!
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now listen, the i.r.s. has been accused of targeting right wing groups for scrutiny, which is very unfair. in fact, it's the only unfair thing-- ever. (laughter) jason jones has more. i i last week we learned the i.r.s. targeted tea party members and conservatives like wayne allen root were furious. >> i think the i.r.s. scandal is one of the biggest scandals in modern american political history. maybe in all of political history. if you speak out against obama you are ordered to be persecuted. >> see, normally, i would love to say yeah, you're such a stupid idiot! but i can't because they targeted conservative groups. >> they did. >> sadly, wayne allen root, author of "the ultimate obama survival guide" know this is kind of persecution firsthand. >> i was audited, it was the most targeted audit you've ever seen. i think someone just picked up the phone and says "do me a favor, this guy is bothering us"
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and some from the white house picks up a phone and says "ruin his life." >> and facts are facts. even though he has no information to back this up. >> i was targeted for what i believe in. >> profiling is wrong. >> right. >> so what do you say to proponents of profiling who say things like "the simple solution is to end political correctness by adopting the israeli model of profiling?" who said that? that was -- that was -- i've got it somewhere here. oh, that was said by wayne allen root. >> wayne allen root said that? >> yeah. >> jon: . >> really? when did wayne allen root say that. >> okay, so let's answer that. here we go, three, two, one. profiling is useful in police instances when you're talking about people getting on an airplane. you're talking about a completely different issue than profiling someone for their political beliefs. >> though it appears to be okay to target someone for their religious beliefs -- anybody named on dual or mohammed or achmed, let's put them in a room
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and make sure they don't have explosives. >> or skin color. >> why is stop-and-frisk directed at latino and black kids? because they're the ones doing the shootings. >> it's just not okay to target someone for their president cal beliefs. >> i just -- i don't even know where this is coming from. it's so absurb surd. i -- three, two, one. you talk about a completely 100% different situation. (laughter) >> so we shouldn't profile ever unless it's necessary? >> correct. last i checked, the profiling you're talking about has never ruined a human being's life in the history of the world. >> he was right-- other than the few hundred instances of profiling ruining people's lives and in some cases ending them. now we just need to get these people to understand how their instances of profiling are completely different. >> this is damont, a young african american male. this is linda, a muslim american, and this is frank lopez who is mexican. >> dominican. >> whatever, it's all basically
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the same. (laughter) you've each been profiled. >> yes. >> tell me about the worst time that you've been profiled. >> i was walking to go plan out some workshops that i do in the community and all of a sudden two detectives hop up out of an unmarked car, get us up against the wall and he starts going into my bag and in my pocket and into the lining of my underwear. he says "i don't give a (bleep) if you consent or not, this is the bronx." >> i consider what you're talking about an inconvenience and an unfortunate one but at inconvenience not a disaster. two completely different things. >> how is it not a disaster? i've been stopped and i've been sent to central bookings, i've been sent to -- >> for what? for what? >> for doing nothing whatsoever. that's destroying my life. >> when the day comes where you have built and business and it's worth millions of dollars and the i.r.s. comes and tries to destroy everything you built and take it away from you you'll think back at the few times you were at an airport where someone asked you questions or pulled you aside and you say wow,
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that's a new level of inconvenience. the other was inconvenient, this is the destruction of my business and my life. >> it's not a big deal when it happens once but when it happens every single time, that's a problem. that's crazy and callous. >> callous. funny word, callous. they're not laughing. (laughter) sadly, these people will just never understood what it's like to be profiled by the government just because of who you are and what you represent. >> when people say that no one's complaining about being profiled they're not listening to the people being profiled on a daily basis. >> if somehow those people were in the same position, they'd be outraged without seeing the inherent irony. (laughter) (cheers and applause) three, two, one, busted. (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: jason jones, we'll be
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight, an academy award winning actor, science channel "through the worm hole" will return in june. and in a new movie called "now you see it." >> when a my seugs waves his hand and says this is where the trick is happening, it's actually happening somewhere else. misdirection, the basic concepts of magic. >> i want to know how they robbed the bank. >> you're an idiot if you think they robbed the bank. but don't my word for it. how about a trip to paris? the telepour station helmet, please. >> you're joking, right? >> you want to know how they did it or not? >> jon: shazam! please welcome back to the program morgan free man! (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: nice to see you again! they love you, they love you. >> good group. >> jon: they're a fine group. here's what i'm going say. so here's the assumption. >> yeah. >> jon: you're great in this movie and it's a good movie because you don't do crap. >> yeah. >> jon: so here's what i want to talk about. this worm hole thing you're doing, this science show, you hosted the fundamental physics prize gala in geneva. >> i did. >> jon: so this is all physicists. >> all physicists. even steven hawking was there. >> jon: steven hawking was there. did you get a chance to spend any time with steven hawking? >> just a little bit. he doesn't talk a lot. (laughter). >> jon: but is everything that he types grand and -- does he feel that -- like, do you think
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he feels the pressure like at a cocktail party he could never say, like, so what's up? like he -- he would have to say something profound every time do you think? >> i think maybe maybe ten, 15 years ago. >> jon: now he's -- >> now he's cool. (laughter). >> jon: just hanging out at a party. >> right, he's -- he's used to it now. >> jon: what is it like at a physicist's party? (laughter) how early does it end? >> they can go for a while. they're -- they're an interesting group of people because if you engage them in conversation they're -- they think you're sharp. >> jon: they will? >> oh, yeah. >> jon: do you understand certain concepts of physics that allows you to carry the conversation? >> i absolutely do. >> jon: yeah, i don't. >> no, no, i don't understand things like string theory but multiple universes, i fully
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understand that. you'd understand it, right? (laughter) here's an example. >> jon: i don't think i -- >> watch. watch. here's an example. picture a balloon. >> jon: i can do that. >> you blow up a balloon, that's the universe. you could do that any number of times. >> jon: you just blew my mind. (laughter) so you're saying that within a universe there's sort of a membrane around each one and so -- >> that's how they argue. they argue that -- some of them, not all of them but different physicists with different theories about what is, right? for instance, i ask, okay, so you say the universe is expanding i maintain there's a difference between space and the universe. they said no, no, there's only the universe. but how can the universe be expanding? what is it expanding into?
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they begin with the balloon thing, how you blow up a balloon. but balloon is expanding into space. >> jon: is the whole thing balloon orientd? (laughter) every question is just "think of it as a balloon animal." like everything is balloon orientd? >> a lot. >> jon: a lot of balloon stuff. so when you see the little group of physicists how many times do you see people going just -- pulling out balloons and blowing stuff up? (laughter) i find that very interesting because i would have the exact same thought that you had which is how do you expand -- >> if there's nothing to expand into. you're not creating -- they're talking about the singularity. you know what singularity is? >> jon: one. >> nothing. >> >> jon: it's not one, nothing? >> it's zero. >> jon: but not zero, empty. >> empty, nothing. >> jon: so that's the singularity of the universe. >> it started with the big bang, right? >> jon: been there. you have something to get
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something. there's a song like that, ray charles sings it. you can't get nothing from nothing. i mean you can't get something from nothing. you can not. >> jon: so what was there before the big bang? they would say singularity. >> they would say. i don't say that. >> jon: i'd like to see a balloon do do that. >> because if you take the air out of the balloon when it collapses you've still got something. >> jon: yes! the membrane! where's the membrane? >> that's the singularity. (laughter) sort of like who's on first. >> jon: if i had met you when we were in college i would get mushrooms and you and i would go to a park. (cheers and applause) you're that good. >> i'm for that. >> jon: i love this stuff. it's tremendous. we don't have that much time to talk about it but you went toe the hadron collider. you toured it. >> down into a deep cavern down below ground, way down, 40 feet or so, more. and they have this big thing and this -- and then there's this
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long 17-mile tube and they shoot photons a -t each other. >> jon: did you see the god particle. >> they haven't -- >> jon: when they see it, you should do the voiceover for the god particle. that would be awesome! (laughter) the movie is called "now you see me." it will be in theaters on the 31st. new season of "through the worm hole" begins june 5 on the science channel. it's fascinating, morgan freeman. >> if you haven't seen it, do. (cheers and applause)
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show, here it is your moment of zen. >> i saw on drudge that the weaner was in -- >> are you joking? >> no one knows how he will do with this next erection.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. please, welcome to the report, everybody. i'm stephen colbert. your love is like a vacation.
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folks, i've got a confession to make-- i'm no fan of barack obama. there, i said it. somebody had to. but i am a fan of how he's handled the war on terror by following the exact same policies laid out by president bush. bush. ( laughter ) who followed the exact same policies laid out by. cheney, particularly his flying deathbot program which have some criticized because it's been used to kill americans overseas. but it's very limited in its scope in that only an informed, high-level government official can order your death. ( laughter ) that means the president or the secretary of state, definitely no lower than the postmaster general. ( laughter ) which i assume means no more killing on saturdays. ( laughter ) and it's all perfectly legal thanks to a 2001 congressional resolution